Many of us turn to someone who has been through the experience of cancer when we begin to walk through that valley of shadow ourselves. No one can relate to the experience unless they have stared it down in their own lives.
If men are looking for someone who knows the experience of caring for someone with breast cancer, it has to be the author of STAND BY HER: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men. John W. Anderson lost his mother to breast cancer in 1988, ten years after her diagnosis. He also watched his sister, his mother’s best friend and his wife survive their own battle with the disease. Few men can speak to the issues surrounding the breast cancer journey from so many angles: as a son, as a brother, as a husband and as a friend. From these experiences, Anderson has created a guide to help men support their loved ones through the multitude of issues that accompany a cancer diagnosis.
It was my pleasure to exchange emails with Anderson and to hear his insights, especially related from the perspective of the spouse and primary parent. To no surprise, Anderson commented that any woman’s first fear after hearing of her diagnosis is of her children and of the fear of missing their future. As their wives move from diagnosis to treatment, “Whatever the child-caring situation is between husband and wife before cancer, more pressure is on the guy to fill in the gaps. With that said, as he picks up more of the load, the husband may feel at times overwhelmed, underappreciated, and frustrated that he is carrying more of the child load”. Combine that with the emotional toll exacted on the cancer patient herself and things are going to get interesting. It is common for cancer patients to feel a bit powerless and so they may try to regain a bit of control, even if it is accomplished by criticizing the very people who are trying to help. But Anderson stresses to men, “Don’t fight back. In fact, embrace it, because it shows how she is fighting to get her life in order”.
What about the children? I asked. “Kids need to know that everything is going to be fine; and if not, they need to know the bad news at a level appropriate to their age. But the most important thing that you can give them during this difficult time is routine”. Every expert that I have read or spoken with has made it clear that the main priority for children is to reassure them that they are loved and that their needs will be met. Anderson certainly agreed, “Keeping things normal around the house sends the message that, no matter what else is happening, or will happen, they are going to be cared for, everything is going to be fine, and life is going on just as it always has”.
Our email exchange ended with a great story about how his son, then five year old, dealt with his mother’s cancer. “He was pretty darn proud of it,” said Anderson as he related the time that his son removed his mother’s scarf in order to end the debate that he was having with a friend over whose parent was sicker; the Daddy with sniffles or his own mother. Turns out a bald mother trumps just about anything.
John W. Anderson’s guide, STAND BY HER: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men, is now available. If you are supporting a woman that you love through her breast cancer experience, please visit the website, www.standbyher.org. In addition to other helpful information, the site features a blog and forum where men can connect with other men in similar circumstances.
To connect to the Amazon page for the book, please click here.