My son’s preschool class is learning a very important lesson. They have read the story “In My Heart” by Molly Bang which reminds them that even when children are away from their parents, we keep them in our hearts. He came home with a heart necklace that he decorated on one side and we will glue a family picture on the other side. Once returned to school, it will be a simple way for him to look at our smiling family when he is sad or feeling lonely at school.
It seems to me that this same technique can be used when it is illness that separates parent from child. It might be a hospitalization that physically separates them or just an extended illness that causes more absence in the routine than usual.
I do similar rituals when I need to travel for work. If I have to leave before he awakens, I fill the bed with his stuffed animals….all lined up to smile at him when his eyes open. Or I place notes in strategic areas to let him know that I love him and miss him: at his place at the table, in his car seat for school, in his shoes for when he goes out to play. These are really simple acts that have helped us both with our separation.
What simple things do you do to ease the transition of your absences? What physical item does your child have to remember you when he is feeling lonely? In the worst case scenario, have you prepared these types of reminders for after you’re gone?
I just don’t understand. I am trying really hard to understand but I just can’t get my head around it. I have encountered several stories in a variety of places over the last few weeks in which parents have made the choice to not inform their children about “The Diagnosis”. Now, some families do not have the choice of withholding this kind of information from their children. Awful things happen to parents sometimes, They walk out the door in the morning and they don’t come back. There is just not much choice in these situations. I’m not struggling with that scenario (at least not in regard to this topic). I am struggling with the scenario in which there is a cancer diagnosis, there is treatment occurring and there is a lot of omission, denial and mistrust. I can understand that the decision is made out of love for the children and concern for their ability to cope. But what good can come out of this particular choice? It seems that trying to make things easier would just end up making everything harder in the end.
I actually read a story recently in which the same conversation that the children learned about the parent’s diagnosis was the same conversation in which they learned they were about to say good-bye. There had been a lengthy illness and there had been time. There is never enough time in these situations but there had been time to have multiple conversations and make some beautiful memories. And there are just no “do overs” in a scenario like this. You cannot go back and try it a different way. It seems to me that everyone loses: the ill parent loses the ability to talk honestly with his children, say what needs to be said and receive comfort in the sweet ways that only a child can give it. The well parent loses all of these and could be left holding the bag with children that have not been given time to process or grieve. And the children? They may lose a parent, a significant amount of trust and an opportunity to help and heal with their family.
I know that breaking the news about a cancer diagnosis is tough for anyone, particularly a child. But I have to believe that our children deserve the truth. It has to be delivered in age appropriate ways and with plenty of honesty and room for questions and emotion. A cancer diagnosis is given to one person but it happens to the whole family. How else can you all hold hands and help each other be brave if everyone isn’t allowed to participate in their own way?
What was your experience with talking to your children about a cancer diagnosis in the family? Did you consider not telling them?
We went to the oncology office this week for the regular follow-up appointment and subsequent deep exhalation of stale and pent up breath that we have been holding for too long. Good news awaited in the form of a clean scan and future appointment are scheduled in hopes of explaining some concerning symptoms.
It did amuse me, though, when the provider greeted our son and remarked how we always brought “great things to entertain him”. It makes me wonder what other famlies with small children in tow do to keep their own little people happy. We have no nearby family so our son is frequently along for the ride. I also hold the opinion that it makes the situation less mysterious and hopefully less frightening to children to come along and see what it is all about. It is easier to talk about the doctors that are helping Daddy to feel better if he gets to come along and meet them and see their friendly faces.
So, with that in mind, here’s a peek into our little box of tricks…
Our little guy is four now but he was two when we startd our regular trips to this office. Preschoolers might enjoy watching the actual exam of Mommy or Daddy but there is often a lot of waiting before that part happens and ever that has a limited time offer. We have always taken some new amusement along with us to keep him busy and happy for a visit that is always longer than expected. Sticker books have been his addiction off and off for much of the last two years. After all, cancer magazines might be fascinating to me but they don’t hold much attraction for him. There have been coloring books and backpacks with snacks on a visit or two. Even a few select Matchbox cars have made the trip although that one can be risky depending on the day. In a pinch, there is always the back of a random envelope and a pen for tic-tac-toe or scribbles. We have also been known to bring the portable DVD player with a set of headphones. We don’t allow much screen time for him so a movie is a particular treat that he does not often have. (I seem to remember Frosty the Snowman playing in it during a holiday time appointment.) This time we had his Leap Frog Tag reading system with one earphone in his ear and the other in mine. And the office always has a jigsaw puzzle in some degree of completion and at recent appointments, he has delighted in contributing to that project while we burn some time the waiting room.
My survival tips for my husband’s medical appointments are simple. If our son is sick, he does not enter the waiting room. When he could not go, that meant I could not go. I suggest you have a back up plan or a friend that you can call in a pinch. Bring plenty of guaranteed diversions. If you can sneak something new into the bag, it just might help to save the day. Headphones are excellent for not only containing the noise we might create but also for helping us to shield him from excessive information at a young age. There are not often young children in waiting rooms so I have found that most patients and staff are happy to see a child in the office as long as the noise and chaos are under control.
Follow the clinic’s rules and wishes regarding children and where they are allowed to enter. Remember that chemo targets rapidly growing cells and what are children? Fast moving bundles of rapidly growing cells! Infusion areas are usually off limits for young children. Treatment days might be a good time to arrange a play date so that everyone has an easier day.
There is a bit of guilt that was packed into that backpack too. When I had to choose which of my boys to be with on any given day, I always grieved having to make that choice. Sending my husamd to infusion alone was sometimes a necessary evil. Sending my son off with someone else or constraining his enthusiam in the appointment never made me feel like Mother of Year either.
Let me hear form you. What survival tips did you employ to keep kids under control in the medical office setting?
Here is something that has been a confusing issue at our house. After my husband returns from his PET scan, how long should he avoid close contact with our son? He’s received conflicting information on this topic at various scan appointments. Of course, we’ve done the “Google research” and tere are certainly differing opinions to be found there too. If I had to summarize, I would say that most opinions seem to agree upon avoiding close contact with children for a few hours after the scan. Rather vague, I think.
It goes without saying that if we can avoid passing theoretical radioactive effects from one person to another then that would be a good thing…especially when that comes to our little people. Whether or not that is something to truly lose sleep over, I have no idea.
My own suggestion to anyone who might read this and have a scan in the near future is to ask these questions of your oncologist, radiology expert or other health professional. I am none of these and never pretend to be. I just know that it didn’t feel good to be told at the second scan appointment that my husband should avoid contact with our child when he wasn’t given the same warning the first time. It might sound a little funny to say that we wondered if our son glowed briefly, but really, it’s not funny at all.
What is your understanding of this issue? What precautions do you take with your children and spouse?
I am very interested in how parents talk to their children about a cancer diagnosis. In our house, our son was a bit over two years old and so we chose the words “sick” and “owies”.
It was my pleasure to speak to Julie Larson of CancerCare last week and we discussed this whole topic at length. She made perfect sense when she made the comment that children really don’t fear the word “cancer”. As parents, we choose not to use this word in talking with our kids because we think we are sparing them additional worry. But it isn’t any different than any other word to them. They don’t attach worry, grief or any other adult context to it…unless they see us emtionally respond to it in these ways.
And I hadn’t thought of it before but now I realize that by not using the real word “cancer”, we might actually be making it worse on our chldren. They could hear the word used later and think this is a new diagnosis, event or situation. It could cause our children to wonder what other information we might be withholding. And all that just because we are scared of one little six letter word. If he had been older, my chosen word “sick” might have connected the disease affecting his Daddy with the stuffy nose that affected our son. We all know that cancer is not contagious and certianly wasn’t caused by my son’s lack of hand washing skills or falure to keep his finger out of his nose.
God willing, I hope that I do not have to have this diagnosis conversation with our son, now four years old, ever again. But if I have to go down that road with him this time I will use the word “cancer”. And just like always, we will all hold hands and help each other be brave.