The basics of conversations with children:
What do you say?
Whatever you say, don’t hide your emotions. Your children need to know that it is okay to feel sadness, anger, confusion or whatever. They need to see you handling your emotions too. Wouldn’t it be more scary to hear Mommy crying at night without knowing why? However, if you are just an emotional trainwreck, bring in the backup or wait for a better moment. Showing your emotion is one thing. Showing that you are a basket case is another thing altogether.
Your children need to hear that they did not cause this situation, cannot catch it and don’t have the power to make it all better with their excellent helping, behavior or magical wishes.
If you need to speak to your children about death, be very straightforward no matter how difficult it is. It is a disservice to your children to categorize it as “going to sleep” or “going away”. It will bring all new meaning to bedtime and to getting in the car.
Many things about life will change in the face of this tough situation. Many things will not. Be sure to tell them both sides. Let them know what they can count on to be constant.
Remember that children are egocentric. You might be more focused on the prognosis, treatment and side effects. They want to hear who will care for them, pack their lunches and if they can still spend the night at Billy’s on Friday.
Use the word “cancer”. This is one area I could have handled differently. Remember that young children, especially, have no perspective around the word “cancer”. It might as well be the word “bologna” to them. The word has the power to strike fear in the heart of an adult but not for a child. Call it what it is so that later when they hear the word, they won’t think that something else tragic has happened.
After you do the talking, do the listening. What are their concerns? Answer them. Don’t let them imagine their own answers…they will automatically go to the worst case scenario.
Always use age appropriate words and content. What you will tell a kindergartner is not the same as what you tell a teen. Keep it simple and honest.
Don’t make promises that you have no way of keeping.
There is value in spending time in silence together. If they don’t want to talk, let them know that you are there when they are ready. Consider designating a family member or friend to be the safe refuge or kind ear.
Let them help and contribute to the healing but let them have kid time too.
Be prepared to see your child express any number of emotions in response to the situation. It may depend upon the personality, situation or age of the child. You do have the ability to frame some of the response but not all of it. You will want to seek out an expert with regard to red flags and what responses might fall outside of normal or expected.